How is it possible to keep all this fitness/weight loss stuff going when everything else in my life is falling apart? It's the first thing that goes and the last thing that comes back. Aargh.

So I had an incedent today with some chocolate covered almonds. I'd love to say it was totally out of my control, but of course it wasn't. I just have such terrible self-control. I'm pretty good about not buying the things that trigger my food obsession. But when they're right in front of me, I can't help eating. Of course, I bought the almonds, so that theory's kind of shot.

And in yoga tonight I came to an amazing realization...I am scared to push myself, because I'd rather always be mediocre at something than try to be amazing at it and fail.

What an unbelievable waste of my time. If I would just try things, fail, and try again I would be such a better person. I'm sure I would be more interesting and I'd probably like myself a whole lot better. Hell, at least then I'd know that I tried, right?

So here are my goals:

1. Actually work my ass off at yoga...be it once, twice, or three times a week.
2. Go to the gym more than once every two weeks.
3. Cook some goddamn vegetables instead of letting J coerce me into making meat.
4. Snack on healthy foods instead of peanut butter and cheese.
5. Make it to ballet every week (now that A's going to be going again, it'll be easier).
6. Figure out why my eating/exercising habits are the way that they are and fix them.

Obviously these are all pretty difficult goals, but I think I can do this. No...wait...I KNOW I can do this. It's just a matter of putting in effort.

Wagon...what wagon?

I'm feeling pretty good today. I fell off the wagon for a while there, just didn't have the inspiration to eat right or exercise. But now I think I'm back on. Went to the gym and did a little bit of stationary biking and some weight lifting. Didn't want to do too much because tonight is both ballet and kickboxing. It's already hard enough to do both of them on the same night. Add in being tired from the gym and it becomes an impossibility.

I can do this. I just have to have the right attitude.

What happens is that when the weekend comes I think, "Oh...I've been good all week and now I can eat what I want." Which basically means that I stuff my face full of cheese and bread and scrambled eggs. And then when Monday shows up I feel guilty about how I ate over the weekend. And for me, guilt over food always ends up in my eating more food.

I think the most important thing for me -- far more important than actually losing weight -- is figuring out my relationship with food. I have no idea why I react to it the way that I do and somehow it has got to change.

Yet another goddamn thing to work on.

And I re-read the rules for the Bally thing and I think I really might do it. Could end up being a really good thing for me.

No ballet last night. No kickboxing. Just laziness. Well, I did rearrange my office, but that doesn't really count.

It's just so hard for me to stay inspired.

So Bally Fitness is having this thing right now. It's their 30 day challenge. I've been really thinking that this could be exactly what I need...a serious goal to set, 30 days and a possible $25,000 reward at the end of it.

But then I read all the rules and it turns out that you have to eat their food. Instead of getting to eat what you want you have to make do with their energy bars and things like that. To me this seems like the biggest gip ever! Why would they want to do that to people?

Aargh.

So maybe what I'll do is do it for myself. Maybe I'll manage to get some of my friends involved in it too and then we can do it together...the before and after pictures, the exercising, the meal plans. Could be good. But would it be less inspirational if there wasn't the reward money? Yes...and therein lies the problem.

Down to 136 yesterday. That's the lowest I've weighed in years. Pretty proud of myself. The goal now is to not to what I always do when I've lost weight and just say to myself...oh well, since you lost that much you can obviously take it easier.

CAN'T TAKE IT EASY. MUST KEEP WORKING.

Ok. Did ballet yesterday and then kickboxing. It's an unbelievably painful combination. But I really did make it through both of them. And I felt so good afterwards. Exhausted, but good. It's that which I have to keep in mind.

I just don't know how to keep going with this. I don't know how to stay inspired.

I've just fucking lost it. Haven't been to the gym in god-knows-how-long...have been eating so much cheese and so much peanut butter that I can hear my arteries clogging even as we speak...only went to yoga once last week...etc.

What the fuck? I'm so inspired and then it all just disappears. I don't understand it. Why can't I just stick to my guns??????